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Absinthe Jokes?


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#1 Alan Moss

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 06:38 AM

This subject seems to fit into the literature section better than elsewhere, so does anyone have any good absinthe jokes for Christmas?

Hopefully there are better ones than this ...

"Apparently, absinthe is used in the music industry to bleach the hard woods used in the making of stringed instruments, most notably harps.

Because absinthe makes the harp grow blonder!"

or the absinthe/farts/Honda one ...

I am sure I can count on some people here for a joke about specific brands, so please make them funny!
www.laclandestine.com: Hand-crafted in the birthplace of absinthe.

#2 Joe Legate

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 08:16 AM

With a slight spin off from another list and adapting a classic "coffee list"...

Signs You've Had Too Much Absinthe...

You've worn the finish off your absinthe table.
All your kids are named François.
Absomphe thinks you need to slow down.
TABreaux named his next creation after you.
Marcus owns the mortgage on your house.
The nurse needs a hydrometer to take your temperature.
When someone asks 'how are you' you say, 'well louched'.
You don't even wait for the water to get cold anymore.
You don't blush, you green.
You don't sweat, you ooze anethol.
You have a conniption over spilled water.
You have a picture of your absinthe glass on your coffee mug.
You introduce your spouse as your Green Fae.
You lick your glasses clean.
You name your cats Marianne and Charlotte.
You speak French without ever taking a lesson.
You'd be willing to spend time in a French prison.
Your first-aid kit contains two ounces of absinthe and a bottle of water.
Your fountain is insured by Lloyds of London.
Your life's goal is to own an herb farm.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.
Your fountain is on wheels.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite spigot.
With your spoons, you know you’ll never eat soup again.

#3 dakini_painter

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 09:11 AM

Oh, am I so in trouble. T73 you have me pegged!

"Good is the only investment that never fails." Thoreau.
"Don't you push me baby cause I'm holdin' low / and you know I'm only in it for the gold" Grateful Dead
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#4 MMarking

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 09:48 AM

You have a picture of your absinthe glass on your coffee mug.


Great idea! Cafepress, anyone? :cheers:
Good friends are the family you wish you had been born into.

War is not the answer, for only love can conquer hate.
Marvin Gaye

#5 elfnmagik

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 10:13 AM

I just spit my lunch all over my desk
Turn up your sound!
"I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun! Very monastic." - Kosmo

#6 ShaiHulud

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 10:28 AM

That is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time!!

every single holiday, a ...
Litany against fear of Absinthe - I must not fear Absinthe. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my Absinthe. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the Absinthe has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

#7 jcbphd

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 10:34 AM

You gotta love a dirty holiday song. And a dirty holiday ad. I don't think the two smooth ornaments in the corner of the screen are there by accident. :devil:
Temperance, like chastity, is its own punishment. ~Four Vines "The Peasant"

Ça descend la gorge comme le bébé Jésus en culottes de velours.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. ~Frank Crane

#8 elfnmagik

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 10:45 AM

Tell me you watched the music video!
"I really like depriving myself of things. It's fun! Very monastic." - Kosmo

#9 Gwydion Stone

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 02:19 PM


You have a picture of your absinthe glass on your coffee mug.


Great idea! Cafepress, anyone? :cheers:

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Guilty as charged.

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#10 MMarking

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 05:02 PM

I Tivo'ed the SNL from last weekend. My daughter and I laughed ourselves silly over that "song"! I still giggle a bit when thinking of it. A new classic.
Good friends are the family you wish you had been born into.

War is not the answer, for only love can conquer hate.
Marvin Gaye

#11 Absomphe

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 06:44 PM

jmfranc/dereksart.

What can I say, I like my jokes brief.

Edited by Absomphe, 20 December 2006 - 06:45 PM.

Yes, I'm Krinkles the Clown on an absinthe a beer bender.

You got a problem with that?


#12 jcbphd

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 07:10 PM

Tell me you watched the music video!


Tell me you watched the Where to Shave, Optical Inch, Test Drive, & Testimonials! :laf:
Temperance, like chastity, is its own punishment. ~Four Vines "The Peasant"

Ça descend la gorge comme le bébé Jésus en culottes de velours.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. ~Frank Crane

#13 Joe Legate

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Posted 20 December 2006 - 08:56 PM

This has spiraled completely into the gutter and I for one blame Alan.

Warning: This link contains childish, adult humor
F#$@ Me This Christmas

#14 MASTERPC

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 04:41 AM

Funny one, T73!
"I read an article recently on the dangers of heavy drinking..
Scared the shit out of me.
So, that's it! After today, no more reading."

#15 Pan Buh

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 05:39 AM

Uh, is that meant to be a carol for boxing day? :devil:

#16 Alan Moss

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 06:07 AM

Wow, it seems that some of you guys have been drinking! Off topic, and very "off" topic. I can hardly share these with my mother-in-law on Christmas Day, can I?

So would it be fair to say, that apart from Absomphe's suggestion, there are no good absinthe jokes?

Although I did like the two cats named Charlotte and Marianne ...

Edited by Alan, 21 December 2006 - 06:11 AM.

www.laclandestine.com: Hand-crafted in the birthplace of absinthe.

#17 Gertz

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 06:28 AM

It probably wouldn't be too hard to come up with a handful of "How many absintheurs/absinthiana collectors/HGers/czech swill producers/La Fee representatives/whatever does it take to change a light bulb?" jokes.
+

#18 Joe Legate

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 07:26 AM

3 absinthe drinkers to change a light bulb.
1 to actually change it.
2 to argue whether the light was nearly as good as pre-ban light.

#19 MASTERPC

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 07:29 AM

And whether or not the bulb was manufactured in the Czech, France, Switzerland etc.
"I read an article recently on the dangers of heavy drinking..
Scared the shit out of me.
So, that's it! After today, no more reading."

#20 Pan Buh

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 11:53 AM

The Czech one's too easy.

Who needs a light bulb when you can use a torch.

#21 Alan Moss

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 11:56 AM

"How many FORMER La Fee representatives does it take to change a light bulb?"

One because I have seen the light ...
www.laclandestine.com: Hand-crafted in the birthplace of absinthe.

#22 jcbphd

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 12:28 PM

Off topic or not, T73, that song is full of holeiday cheer, and I thank you for it! ;)
Temperance, like chastity, is its own punishment. ~Four Vines "The Peasant"

Ça descend la gorge comme le bébé Jésus en culottes de velours.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough. ~Frank Crane

#23 Joe Legate

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 04:35 PM

You bet! Despite the bold warning, I was afraid it went beyond the boundaries of appropriate posting. My apologies if anyone was offended. Yes, I am a heathen.

#24 Wild Bill Turkey

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 04:58 PM

Why are there no czech blanches?

Because they can't find an artificial coloring to make "clear".
"I'm always amused when a member incorporates a quote from another member into their signature." - fpb

#25 Wild Bill Turkey

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Posted 21 December 2006 - 05:55 PM

If you've been drinking czechsinthe, and don't want people to smell it on your breath, what the hell are you supposed to gargle with?
"I'm always amused when a member incorporates a quote from another member into their signature." - fpb

#26 Absomphe

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Posted 22 December 2006 - 10:29 AM

Montmartre.

Yes, I'm Krinkles the Clown on an absinthe a beer bender.

You got a problem with that?


#27 Alan Moss

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Posted 15 January 2007 - 10:53 PM

Finally got an absinthe joke in time for Valentine's Day .....

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine’s day to be special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from Switzerland and it had arrived in time for the occasion (Edit: of course!). On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”
www.laclandestine.com: Hand-crafted in the birthplace of absinthe.

#28 Gwydion Stone

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Posted 15 January 2007 - 11:48 PM

OUCH!

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#29 OMG_Bill

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Posted 16 January 2007 - 01:58 AM

Thank you Alan. We'll take that one into consideration. ;)
Some folks may cringe each time I use the term "Booze" regarding these high quality drinks.
I mean no offense. There are bottles of extraordinary booze out there. I've tasted a few. Relax.

#30 MASTERPC

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Posted 16 January 2007 - 04:07 AM

Oh, my, Alan! Say it ain't so, dude! :laf:
"I read an article recently on the dangers of heavy drinking..
Scared the shit out of me.
So, that's it! After today, no more reading."


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